refusing to conform to social norms, and other things I shouldn't do

Hello internet.

Have I explained my biggest dilemma to you yet? Probably not... I've been having this problem. You see, it's about time for me to go to college, and become a real person. You know, the kind who lives on their own, and makes their own decisions, and does stuff like a real person does. And here I am, seventeen, thinking I know everything in the world... Well, not really that last part. That's whats so scary about it all.

I know exactly what I want to do. It's so painfully simple. I want to get meet someone amazing, fall in love with them, get married, have tiny people, raise them, cook dinners, clean the kitchen, end up with rowdy grandkids who drive me crazy, and die. That's it. I have no further aspirations. I mean, sure, it would be great to go to the moon, or publish a book, or record a record, or make some huge difference in the lives of other people, but the thing is, I don't really want to do those things. They're extras. The core of what I want out of life is to have a family, love them, for them to love me, teach them, be a parent, and then watch them live their lives and be successful at what they want to be successful at. If that's being a housewife, then that's what it is.

The problem here is the fact that nobody I explain this to understands. And not only do they not understand, they don't care. And you know what? That's not it either, because even if they DO care, they think I'm crazy! They look at me, and instead of seeing a person with feelings and aspirations of the life that they want to have, they see someone with what they all call "potential". They look at this walking pile of "potential" and say "Woah! We should send that potential to Harvard, or Stanford, Or Berkley, or Georgetown!" That's where all that potential belongs... Well, I think they're wrong. It drives me crazy.

I'm not potential.

And you know what? I didn't ASK to have all this "potential" now, did I? I mean goodness gracious... before I was born, I didn't sit down with God and have some conversation where I told Him "Hey. I'd really like to have an intellect so huge that the average person can see all the extra leaking out my ears when I walk down the street. I want my intelligence to be so darn obvious that no matter which way you look at me you see it, and you can't ignore it! I want to be able to do everything and anything! ...Oh, what's that? If you're going to be that smart you can't have legs that work? Oh well. That's fine. I'll take intellect over athletic ability." I didn't do that. (Nor did I intend to be that snarky a second ago... Oh well.)

My point is, I didn't ask for these cards, they're just the ones that I got. And while half of the people that I have ever talked to sit and tell me about how much potential I have and what a waste it would be for me to go into a field where I don't use it, or what a tragedy it would be for me to not use my skills for the benefit of the general population, or what a shame it will be if I don't grow up to be a neurosurgeon, or a nuclear-physicist, I'm sitting here telling the internet what a shame I feel it is for me to be forced to choose a career path and then be unhappy with my choice for the rest of my life. And by that I don't mean unhappy with what I picked, I mean unhappy that I chose to have a career in the first place. 

I don't want to ruin my own future. That's not what I'm trying to do, no matter what it looks like to you. I just want to make it what I want it to be.

Is that so hard to understand?

Is it really that difficult to grasp that some people have a different definition for success than the commonly accepted social standard? It shouldn't be. It shouldn't be hard at all, but apparently it is. It's asking people to step out of their own heads for a moment, and put themselves in my shoes. Asking them to try to understand what it means to be me. What it means to be someone with goals that are just a little different than everyone elses. Just a little smaller. Just a little... humbler. Modest. 

My goals are the goals that I've had since I was a kid... I was always afraid to tell anyone. And now that I've told everyone close to me, and gotten a negative response from (almost) all of them... well now I'm going to effectively tell the world. 

Not that anyone actually reads my little musings, this is mostly to make me feel better about myself. 

But anyway, I guess maybe I'm just hoping that someone with the same feelings reads this somewhere and goes, "Hey. Maybe I'm not alone." I dunno... Maybe that's unrealistic of me. Oh well. 

I tried. 

thankful for having... stuff

Hello internet! 

I think I'm going to start posting on here more regularly now, it's good for me. 

Anyway, it's Turkey Day! Happy Turkey Day! I feel funny saying that now, since I'll be having black bean burritos and salsa for my Thanksgiving feast. 

That's what my mom decided we were going to do. Ever since her mom passed, we really haven't had much to do on the holidays, so we've kind of been making up our own traditions. Like last year for Christmas, we went out of town and stayed in Hocking Hills for the week, and it was wonderful. 

I don't remember what we did for Thanksgiving, but I'm pretty sure it didn't involve turkey. 

And this year, I wouldn't eat turkey if it were prepared anyway. Vegetarians are picky that way... ;) 

I can't decide if this year will be better or worse than years passed though... I mean, I remember one year, I was so sick on Thanksgiving that I had to lay on the couch while everyone else was at the table and I ate homemade mac and cheese out of a cup. I was still too young to really understand why everyone was eating at the big table (we never ate at the big table) and I barely liked any of the food they had anyway, so it was no real loss to me. I remember wondering why everyone had their heads bowed before they ate, and I think I asked someone at one point, but I don't remember how they explained praying to me. At the time I had never really been around it, and now it just seems like second nature to me, you know? 

There was a time when I remember getting upset when people prayed before they ate. I think I disliked it because I found it uncomfortable, and I didn't understand. It's just not something that you really know what to think about when you don't grow up with it, you know? It's like families who hunt. If you were suddenly plopped in a family who hunted, you'd be like, "Woah, you shoot it and then cook it? And you do it all yourself??" but if you grow up with it, it's just something that you do all of the time. 

Maybe that was a bad analogy, 

Yeah. Bad analogy. 

But you get my point. Thanksgiving was the only time that my family ever got around a table and ate together. And even at that I'm pretty sure all of the men were so anxious to get back to whatever was on TV that they only spent fifteen minutes with everyone else and then they went to go eat the rest in the livingroom. I never understood that either. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter how I've gotten here, I'm thankful that I am where I am. I'm thankful that I have the people in my life that I do, I'm thankful that I'm the person I've become, I'm thankful that I have people behind me, supporting me, making sure I do the right things, keeping me in line, reminding me to be patient, and loving, and kind. I have so many things to be thankful for, we all do, and what do we do about it? Huh? We give all of those things one day in November, and then we ignore them and take them for granted the rest of the year. 

And just like everyone else, I'll go right back to that logic tomorrow. (BLACK FRIDAY SHOPPING WOOT.) 

I just looked back at that post and realized how corny some of it sounds... but it's all true. So it's true and corny, which is better than fake and corny. So there. 

To take away from the corny part, I took these pics when I was bored one day, and I just edited some of them. :D

So there you go. :D You get some really sappy family stuff, and some cool pictures of leaves in the fall. 

I think that's a pretty productive post. 

figured i'd catch y'all up...

Well internet, I got really bored today.

I have about a million things to catch you up on, since my last post which I'm pretty sure was months ago but I didn't have a chance to check before I just went ahead and started typing this run on sentence.
So anyway. I'll just make a bullet list.

• I started ignoring my physical therapist. 
• I started running. 
• I'm falling behind in school a bit.
• Speech and Debate has become pretty darn stressful if I do say so myself... 
• I've taken up charcoal drawing. 

Well.... Let's start at the top and just go through them? Yeah? Cool. 

I started ignoring my physical therapist. I kind of pretty much decided that the exercises that she gave me were terrible and they weren't helping at all, so I gave up on that. I stopped them, and started doing real normal human being exercises. You know, the kind that actually help build muscle and improve your metabolism and make you all pretty and such. And honestly, so far so good. I mean, I've been feeling better, I have more energy, I have less dislocations and more time. I really like all of the changes I've been making... Oh! Did I mention in my little bullet list that I'm a vegetarian? Forgot that one. Yeah. I'm a vegetarian. It's pretty great. I feel better, have more energy... It's that and all the exercises that I love doing, really. Smoothies are wonderful. Just sayin'. 

I started running - That's a big one. I really loved to run before I was diagnosed with EDS. Running was one of those things that I did when I was stressed or when I felt bored, or when I felt anything really. I was a runner. Runners run. But obviously, knowing the nature of EDS I wasn't able to run anymore when the PT told me what I needed to be doing and what I needed to NOT be doing, and then when I started ignoring my PT I started ignoring all of those rules, and a runner was born. Or re-born... However you want to look at it. Now I do at least 2 miles at a time, almost every day. 

I've started getting bad headaches and that's what's been keeping me behind in school. I don't know why they started really, and I kind of miss them when they creep up, so by the time they're full blown nuclear wars inside my skull I'm in the middle of a Stats test and I can't really do anything about it. In short, it sucks. One time, I got a really bad one, and I went to bed at 6:00 in the evening and didn't wake up until 6:00 the next morning. I'm pretty sure that's the most sleep I'd gotten all in a row for months... 

Speech and Debate... Oh goodness. I don't even know where to start with that one... It's driving me crazy. Plus competitions are on the Sabbath, and that's not helping because I should be at church on the Sabbath... Ugh. Can you tell I'm getting flustered? I am. Lots. Lots flustered. Flustered enough that I'm leaving that obvious grammatical error in the last sentence. Anyway. I actually got 8th of 106 in my category of competition at the Glennbrooks speech and debate tournament, which is kind of a big deal for those of you who don't know much about high school speech and debate in the National Forensics League. (So technically I'm a member of the NFL... ) 

Well, the last thing that I have right now is the fact that I have taken up charcoal drawing. I thought that I needed another outlet, something to do with some of my pent-up creative STUFF, so I decided to draw. Most of them are actually with my art teacher at school right now, because I cut the matts for them on... Yesterday. On yesterday. It's been a long day, if you couldn't tell... 

She's okay - Not my favorite. I kind of imagine that she's listening to something on the other side of that doorway. 

She looked really surprised until I fixed her eyes. 

This was the first one I ever did. I like it. It's also pretty big, like three feet by 4 and a half. 

This pic is terrible, sorry about that. It was taken by my ipod, and it wasn't taken this close up either... Oh well. 

This one looked a whole lot like me until I messed up the eyes. 

These last two are my favorite - I actually did this one yesterday. Just a day... This pic isn't great either, but you get the idea. 

She's my favorite. I have no idea who she is. That's what I like so much. 

Let's see.... There has to be something that I'm missing when it comes to catching you up... But in the meantime, how bout y'all watch this. It's the best thing ever in the history of everything. No really. 

                           

Brie